As parents, it’s easy to get stuck in what feels like a never-ending loop of correcting, reminding, and managing our child’s behavior:
“Stop yelling.”
“Put that down.”
“I already told you no.”
“Can you please just listen?”
You’re not trying to be negative — you’re just trying to survive the day. But here’s the tricky part:
The behaviors we pay the most attention to are the ones that tend to stick around.
This is where a powerful parenting tool comes in: selective attention (also known as inactive ignoring). It’s not about ignoring your child altogether — it’s about being thoughtful about what you choose to react to… and what you don’t.
What Is Selective Attention?
Selective attention means intentionally choosing to not respond to certain minor, attention-seeking behaviors (like whining, repetitive noises, or back talk that isn’t aggressive), while giving lots of attention to the behaviors you do want to see more of.
Why? Because for most kids, attention is a reward — even when it’s negative. If your child gets a big reaction every time they whine or interrupt, they learn:
“If I do this, Mom or Dad will pay attention to me.”
Even a frustrated look, a sigh, or saying “stop” for the tenth time can accidentally reinforce those behaviors.
So What Should You Do Instead?
Here’s the two-part strategy:
1. Use Inactive Ignoring
When your child is doing something that’s annoying but not dangerous (like fake crying, interrupting, or making silly noises), calmly withdraw your attention — no eye contact, no talking, no reactions.
This teaches your child that this behavior doesn’t get a payoff.
Example: Your child whines, “Moooom, I want it nooowww!”
Instead of saying “Stop whining,” look away, stay quiet, and wait for a calmer tone.
2. Praise the Opposite Behavior
The second your child uses a better behavior — even if it’s a small shift — jump in with praise. This shows them what does work to get your attention.
“Thank you for asking so calmly.”
“I love how you waited your turn.”
“You’re using such a strong voice right now — great job!”
By doing this consistently, you make it clear: When you use your words, when you’re calm, when you follow directions — you get me. You get my eyes, my warmth, my connection.
The Result?
Over time, your child begins to choose better behaviors, not because you punished them into it, but because they learned it’s the most rewarding way to connect with you.
Need Support Putting This Into Practice?
It’s easier said than done — especially when you’re overwhelmed or your child’s behavior feels constant. That’s where therapy can help.
At Bright Minds Therapy, we teach parents how to use tools like selective attention, praise, and clear communication to reduce difficult behaviors and build a stronger, more peaceful relationship with your child.
You don’t have to do it alone — we’re here to help.
Ready to learn the skills that make a difference? Visit www.therapywithbrightminds.com or connect with us on Instagram @therapywithbrightminds.
